Midyear 2003

How fast time flies! Before it was just New Year, fireworks display in the air and now it is midyear. Another 6 months past and it is another New Year. I wonder what that makes me…what I will be then…

A few hours from now, it will soon be Monday. I cannot even feel any enthusiasm to go to work tomorrow. Unlike before where I will wake up with much zest and eagerness. I still wonder if after the second week of this month I will be head-on decided in leaving my beloved company. I still have a few more days to think it over, think it hard.

I really appreciate and grateful enough to have started working in the real world in the company. I owe it much to them for it is where I learned a lot.

I think I am experiencing quarterlife crisis. I want to move on and pursue my other dreams. I want to accomplish more than what I have accomplish now.

I also find it so queer that some things happen that run counter to my plans. It seems something is stopping me from leaving. But some things also happen that make it a lot easier for me to decide to leave.

Just the other day, this guy from the Corporate Communications Department of the Philippine AirLines whom I have called up before to request some statistics gave me a ring. Actually, he had already given me the information that I need. I was thinking he had some more to give. But he had a different thing in mind. His superior in the department requested him to find someone who can fill up a position in their department. He said I suddenly came to his mind. He stated all the requirements and it seems that I am suitable to the job and all requirements fit. Hmm…

On the other hand, if I pursue this out-of-line job that I had in mind before which I consider a dead-end, some other plans will not fit.

If I leave, I will forego lot of things. I have to trade-off a lot.

For the second time around in my life, I am once again standing at a crossroad.

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Pasky

Last night, I felt so down. I had a petty text fight with my friend Pasky. I know it is my fault and I sort of let go my understanding his situation. I was so hurt by the way he neglected or so I thought he did.

The other day I learned from his friend Lander that he had a new number. I was really hurt and to think that we have been good friends for the longest time ever. We almost spent college apart and yet our communication never failed. We did not even have cellphones then. We even knew whose the girlfriend-boyfriend of each other, when did the other courted and the other said yes, what and where we work. Honestly, I really felt so bad. I tried not to text him, not to let him know what I really thought about the whole thing. But I still texted him and I dare tell him that he offended me. I was always the daring, the aggressive.

He said he lost his old SIM and that he had no other way in knowing my mobile number except to call me at home. It just so happen that I was the first one to call. If he did call before me, maybe we will not be fighting, so he said.

I did not accept any explanations because he really made me so sad. And maybe because he was so tired last night, he texted me back and accused me of not understanding and bid me goodnight. Well, that was the last straw for me. Offended and all that, I took the last text as something like a dismissal, a refusal, a goodbye…

So I texted him back. I told him how grateful I am for the friendship and I really treasure the good times we had. But I was also sorry for being the pest that I am. In short, I was saying goodbye. He texted and called me after that but I did not even try to answer back. I could not help but cry for the friendship that I have come to cherish so much. Almost 8 years of friendship is so hard to throw away.

I retired to bed with tears flowing nonstop. Thoughts of broken friendship playing in my mind. I cannot throw a good friendship as easy as that. So, I decided to do otherwise.

I know he has been so busy and even during weekends he spend it working. I understand that. My displaced sensitiveness is on loose.

I thought he gave up on me but he did not. I said I was sorry and I did not really want to say goodbye for he knew I hate goodbyes. I love the friendship that we have and I treasure it much.

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Sunday is almost coming to an end and it seems I still have tons of things to do. It was a good thing I was able to tidy up my closet yesterday afternoon. I set aside some old clothes that I have not worn a long time. I will be giving it to streetchildren that come my way when I walk along Makati Avenue. Yes, there are streetkids in Makati Avenue. Those who are selling sampaguita, cigarettes and rugs. Whenever I have the time and I do not have much load with me, I bring a few stuff that I can give to them.

I cannot be so nice everyday so even though some people see me wicked, kids like them have a soft spot in me.

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To Papa Kris:

I am really sorry if I was not able to show up last Friday even though I promised I will come. I was still tied up explaining to my superior some stuff about work. By the time I was done, somebody in the office told me na di na raw tuloy. I cannot call you for I have left my mobile phone at home, which you already know. Maybe next time….

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I really like this song:

I'll Be by Edwin McCain

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said

I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life...