Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Feel Like Blogging

It was such a buzzing day for me at work today. In fact, I have a deadline to beat tomorrow and I even brought it home. When it comes to work, my style never changes. I always bring it home, no matter what. But the thing is, I do not feel like draining my brain on it tonite. I just feel like blogging. I need a release and as far as I can remember, this blog was created to serve a deeper purpose; that is, to let go off my mental tensions and pretensions.
For the past 2 weeks, I have engaged my brain in a battle of analysis. Frankly, my brain was (/is) barraged by a lot of contadicting possibilities and pessimism. Mental and emotional turmoil.
Ever since I graduated from the university, I was able to acquaint myself the likelihood of suffering from depression. I thought it was just a mere mood swing but it wasn't. I exhibited (and still do) the symptoms typical of a depression manic.
I really tried my best not to give in to this psychological bugger. I don't want to. I can't imagine myself being embraced by this excitement stealer. To relieve myself of this burden, I subjected myself into a lot of things and activities. One good thing about my effort was that it paved the way for me to learn more about myself. A self-discovery. I self-indulged more in climbing. Climbing before was just a show-off. After college, it was something deeper; more like, communing my real self with nature void of affectations. I became fond of balls so you can see me scoring a strike and careening a bowling ball into a canal hit. You can also see me with my boy pals holding cue sticks and aiming for the 9-ball. Aside from those, Timezone has become a playful haven for me as I de-stress myself after an exhausting day at work. For a lasting reliever from physical, mental, emotional drain, I travel. I discover that I love Baguio very much. I always travel alone and for a fact, I always come back to reality feeling refreshed and doused with optimism that good things will come my way. And the last but not the least on my list of therapies, is writing. I always end up at peace with myself and the world around me once I let go off my bothering thoughts with the help of a pen and paper. Whether I am in a coffee shop, a library or even on board a plane off to somewhere or on a long bus trip.
You know what I am feeling right now? It's like my life is on hold over something I cannot put my finger on. I am trying to assess if it is my dilemma over my career or something else. But as far as I know, the problem with me is that I want to do all the things I want all at the same time. As a taped answer to that, prioritize. It's easy to do that but point is, which? A number of them are vying for the top gun.
Two weeks ago, I was already decided. I will quit in a few months' time. Last week, an offer had been made and I found it attractive BUT with strings attached. My previous decision was directly dribbled in the trash. I tried to weigh things over but the advantages and disadvantages never ceased tumbling on to each other.
Before the week ended last week, I had reached a decision. I just wished that it's final. I wanted to. Getting in to that stage was quite easier since some factors had provided access to absolute answers. One, I don't want to be tied up. Second, I cannot imagine myself in that situation for the longest time ever. Third, I am beginning to find the environment too suffocating. I abhor credit-suckers, 'sipsip' and people who are way too 'mapapel'. I totally detest interference to my working style especially if I didn't ask you to. In short, mind your own business and let me do mine!
In reference to my personal relationship, I would say that it is becoming irritating for me. In fact, I am hating myself for treating him this and that way. The guy has been persevering, understanding and caring ever since. I may always complain that men are dumb when it comes to reading between the lines and taking everything at face value but as much as I know that for a fact, I would still make the situation far more unpleasant than I had intended to. The situation will go haywire because I started acting like a whiny bitch. But if you only knew how my emotions tumbled inside me, then probably you would comprehend that. Sometimes I hate love because it has a tendency to distort the best of intentions.
I am pretty aware of your 'sufferings' in my hands and I really, really apologize for that. I never mean to. It was my overwhelming love for you that's ruining a good day for us. I am basically not oblivious to that. I feel guilty everytime I say things I don't mean.
Despite all these, you're still there. Standing by me. Making things easier for me. No guy has ever done that to me. Only you.
And for that, I thank you.

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It is always refreshing to know what is in your mind. Thanks!