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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Tick-Tack At Work

My current post at the office is really getting in to me and honestly, I am getting tired of it – physically and mentally. Since last year, I have already signified my intention to resign and that year had passed and the next thing I know, another new year has come and I am still stuck here. I am not sure why I am still here but I always have the excuse that I still have a lot of things to do before bidding everyone goodbye in the company. My almost 5 years of tenure in this office had shot me with a waning interest of what had been an exciting but physically taxing line of work during my first 3 years. After that, a lot of things had taken place and to tell you the truth, none of them had been for the better. In fact, everything turned bad to worse. Employee turnovers had been high and I could not blame my colleagues for departing ahead of me. Like me, they were in search of greener pastures in the other side of the meadow and they found it. Unlike me, they were able to move on according to their will, guided by their earnest initiatives to leave. Yeah, unlike me – still stuck, sitting in this swivel chair, in front of my monitor, hitting the keyboards with my thoughts as I type them away.

As I contemplate the life I may be having in the future, one desired thought leads to another and another and another. Darn. The possibilities are only making me frustrated all the more. I want to do a lot of things and this wanting of everything is driving me out of focus. I rationalize that if only I can accomplish the tasks I am supposed to do before filing my goodbye letter, everything will just be fine so long as I, for the meantime, do not practice my love for habitual procrastination.

For the most part of my desire to put everything in gear, the pressure of time is driving me nuts. I am already past my mid-twenties and that does not surely seat well with me. You see, the plans I have for myself after leaving this company carry a time bomb that ticks every second of my life that passes away, as if I see my life slipping away from my hand. The pressure is very strong and anxiety starts to attack. The next thing I know is that I will be charging in panic.

While I was helping my younger brother browsed the classified ads for two months, I was also in search for a job that would suit my preference and liking. Gone were the idealism and the exacting perspective that I used to don. Any type of job that will fit my desire and inclination will be such a welcoming relief. Practicality and contentment are the two abstract things that I do consider in my supposed new life.

Hopefully the next time I look at the calendar with somber interest, the month of October is already in and that I will be looking at it not inside this office, not in this workstation and not at this calendar that Mandarin Hotel had given me as a holiday gift.

2 comments:

  1. welcome to the rat race Fran!
    But getting a job is hard to come by. Stick with it as much as you can and consider yourself lucky and that you're graduated from carrying a manila envelope (a clear sign of a job seeker):-)

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  2. vernie, yeah, you're right! I just hope everything will turn out well the moment I am really, really decided on leaving the job. :)

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It is always refreshing to know what is in your mind. Thanks!