Lavender & Coffee Stains

Dear Me,

Despite having a grand time the day before, there were instances that we woke the following day all grouchy and crabby. I, myself, wonder sometimes.

Anyway, here's a few tips to refresh the day even before it becomes worse.

1. As soon as the alarm rings...
   Spend your first 15 seconds awake planning something nice to do for yourself today. "This can really set you up in a good mood - even if it's just going by the farmers' market and getting fresh strawberries," says Alice Domar, PhD, Be Happy Without Being Perfect: How to Break Free from the Perfection Deception book.
   
   
   
2. Get up.
   The longer you lie there, the more you ruminate, the darker your outlook is likely to become, says Christine Padesky, PhD, co-author of Mind Over Mood. So get vertical and make a cup of coffee, take a shower, feed the cat.
   
   
   
3. Drink.
   - make that two glasses of water upon awakening, the time when our bodies are dehydrated, says Susan M. Kleiner, PhD, author of The Good Mood Diet. Dehydration causes fatigue, which affects your mood.
   
   
   
4. Move it.
   You already know the number one way of chasing away a bad mood: exercise. A workout at the gym sure helps. But even just a few minutes of movement - a fast walk, for example - raises energy and reduces tension, says mood expert Robert Thayer, PhD, professor of psychology at California State University, Long Beach, and author of Calm Energy.
   
   
   
5. Investigate.
   When you're dogged by anxiety or the dread you woke up with, try to pinpoint what's causing it. Did someone say anything the day before? Do you have a meeting today you wish you didn't? Was it the dream you were having when the alarm went off? "If you can figure out why you're upset, that's halfway to feeling better," says Domar.
   
   
   
6. Be kind and thankful.
   This isn't exactly news, but generosity and gratitude are both big contributors to happiness, according to Todd B. Kashdan, PhD, who directs the Laboratory for the Study of Social Anxiety, Character Strengths, and Related Phenomena at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. Do something nice for a stranger or friend and see if you don't feel better about yourself. Also, jot down three things that you're grateful for. It seems so simple, but counting your blessings just has a way of making you remember the sun is shining.
   
   
   
7. Laugh at yourself.
   The best comedians point out the mundane aspects of life - relationship strife, a boring job, a closet full of too-tight clothes; they exaggerate those circumstances, and give us a perspective we can laugh about, says Mark Ridley, owner of the Comedy Castle in Royal Oak, Michigan. Look at your own life and try to appreciate the absurdity of what doesn't go exactly according to plan (the diets, the men, the buzz cut). Acknowledging how little control we actually have over what happens is sometimes a most freeing gift to yourself.

So even before ruining your day entirely and only to blame yourself, heed these words.

These wonderful pieces of advice was lifted off from Seven Ways to Restart a Day by Kathryn Matthews.

Dear Me,

I was reading Oprah's and bumped into this article.

Cheating in a relationship? I think most married women would say in their hearts that they know that their husbands won't tangle themselves in forbidden affairs. I, for one, would say aye to that.

Reading this article made me realize that certain things can and may happen and somehow, I opened my mind to this. I trust my husband that he won't stray while he is in his right mind.

In this article, the Red Flag indicates the warning lights that your partner may tread the forbidden path if left unattended. On the other hand, there's the Marriage Saving Solution addressing those problems.

Don't be paranoid if you chanced upon similar actions from your partner. It doesn't necessarily mean he/she is up to something fishy. Don't pick a fight over nothing.

Of course, be cautious as well. Listen and see the signs for they may actually save a relationship.


************************


Nip Infidelity in the Bud
By Denise Mann
WebMD Feature Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD
on June 19, 2006

Think cheating is something that can never happen to your relationship?

Think again.

Statistics from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy suggest that 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands have had sex outside of their marriage. When emotional affairs or sexual intimacies without intercourse are included, the number jumps by 20 percent.

But straying is not inevitable, no matter how many soap operas you watch, says Frances Cohen Praver, PhD, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst in Locust Valley, NewYork, and the author of Daring Wives: Insight into Women's Desires for Extramarital Affairs.

"For the most part, people don't just go out and cheat. There are warnings," she tells WebMD. The good news is that knowing the common signs and addressing them head-on can save your relationship from infidelity.


Red Flag #1: Crying Out for Help
"The most common warning is when a partner tells you something is amiss and you don't believe it," Praver says. "He or she may say, 'This marriage isn't working,' or 'I am not happy.'"

Marriage Saving Solution: Taking the Bait
"This is akin to being hit over the head with a 2 x 4," Praver says. "If your partner is reaching out, take the bait," she says. "First open up a dialogue, and if you can't get anywhere, consider couples therapy."


Red Flag #2: Sudden Change—or Interest—in Appearance
Is your husband talking about getting Botox to eliminate his frown lines? Did your wife recently start coloring her hair and scrapping her jeans for a low-cut black dress? If so, this may indicate he or she is on the prowl, experts say.

Marriage Saving Solution: If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them
"This can make you bitter or better," says John Van Epp, PhD, a therapist in Medina, Ohio, and author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind.


Red Flag #3: Unconstructive Criticism
"If your partner says, 'You need to see a psychiatrist,' 'You need help,' 'Get a job,' 'Lose weight,' or 'Go to the gym,' and is constantly critical, it's all part of the same theme—which is that there is something wrong with you," points out Elizabeth Landers of Gross Pointe, Michigan, co-author of THE SCRIPT: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat.

"Unconsciously, they are setting it up to say their partner was nuts and wouldn't even go for help." Another tip-off is when he or she starts picking fights about something you are good at, so you fight back and then he or she calls you argumentative," she says. "These things happen 100 percent of the time."

Marriage Saving Solution: Listen and Learn
"If a man says 'I have grown and you haven't,' the natural reaction is that he is being critical and insulting. But talking about feelings is good," she says. "Encourage him to talk more because he will feel that you understand him," Landers says. Use a counterintuitive approach, she advises. "If a man says to his wife, 'Those two women are attractive', her natural reaction is to say, 'I don't want to hear it,' but encourage him so he will feel that he can talk to you about anything and that can keep him to words—not action."


Red Flag #4: the Tony Soprano-Style Guilt Gift
On HBO's The Sopranos, mobster Tony Soprano often presents his doting wife with lavish jewels so she will look the other way about his extramarital activities. "Sometimes it's a guilty, look-the-other-way gift or a see-I-am-really-a-good guy-even-if-I-leave-you gift," Landers says. "It could be a diamond bracelet, a cashmere sweater, a new car. Or if you are former President Bill Clinton, it could be the state of New York," she says, referring to Clinton's now notorious philandering and his wife Hillary Clinton's ascension to New York's senator. "It may seem normal to think, 'He's obviously not cheating; he just gave me this gorgeous bracelet'—but don't be fooled," she says.

Marriage Saving Solution: Nip It in the Bud
Don't turn the other cheek, she says. "It can be so frightful if it's true that it is difficult to accept [potential infidelity], but addressing it early, even with no concrete evidence, can help save the marriage," she says. "Speak up early because if you think something's wrong, it probably is," she says. "Trust your instincts. You will be much more likely to be successful in saving the relationship if you catch potential problems early."


Red Flag #5: Snubbed at the Company Party
"If you get the cold shoulder at your husband's company holiday party where everyone used to be friendly, it's a sign," Landers says. "His colleagues either know about the affair and figure you are on the way out, so why be nice? Or your partner has been making critical comments about you so they think you are no good."

Marriage Saving Solution: Address It Head-On
"Don't make excuses," she says. "Bring it up and open the lines of communication as soon as you notice anything unusual," she says. "When your doctor prescribes pain medication, he or she will tell you to take it before the pain gets really bad because then it is more likely to be effective," she says. The same holds for marital problems.


Red Flag #6: Sneaking
"One of the red flags is when a partner is sneaking around a bit," Praver says. Maybe he or she takes secret cell phone calls on the porch instead of using the phone by the bed, or maybe he is out on weeknights whereas he used to be home watching television, she says. "If you see that a person is not around that much and is gone on different nights, something may be up," she says.

Marriage Saving Solution: Confrontation
"Obviously you have to confront a person and say, 'What's going on here?'" she says. "Once a person has been found out, they must 'fess up and that can be the first step in rebuilding trust," she says. While not necessarily advising it, Praver says people can check call logs on cell phones to see if there really is fire where there is smoke.


Red Flag #7: History Repeats Itself
"Sometimes people with a background of these types of things may be more likely to repeat them," Van Epp says. "There are exceptions and people can change patterns in their life, but if we are talking about red flags, history is a red flag."

Marriage Saving Solution: Set Boundaries
"It may be more up to the individual to set strong boundaries in these cases," he says. "You can't necessarily protect your spouse from having an affair, but you can come to an agreement about how far you will go in relationships outside of the marriage," he says. For example, pre-emptively discuss how much you will open up to people outside of the relationship as a way to safeguard against affairs down the road, he suggests.

But remember that nothing is fail-safe, Van Epp says. Many people who stray do so from a relatively good relationship.

Praver adds that affairs don't necessarily mean a marriage is over. "An affair can bring about change," she says. "A partner may need more companionship; they often don't have affairs just for sex."

Dear Me,

Read on. My heart got broken. Keep a box of tissue within reach.


What My Father Wore
by Bret Anthony Johnston

What my father wore embarrassed me as a young man. I wanted him to dress like a doctor or lawyer, but on those muggy mornings when he rose before dawn to fry eggs for my mother and me, he always dressed like my father.

We lived in south Texas, and my father wore tattered jeans with the imprint of his pocketknife on the seat. He liked shirts that snapped more than those that buttoned and kept his pencils, cigars, glasses, wrenches and screwdrivers in his breast pocket. My father's boots were government-issues with steel toes that made them difficult to pull off his feet, which I sometimes did when he returned from repairing air conditioners, his job that also shamed me.

But, as a child, I'd crept into his closet and modeled his wardrobe in front of the mirror. My imagination transformed his shirts into the robes of kings and his belts into soldiers' holsters. I slept in his undershirts and relied on the scent of his collars to calm my fear of the dark. Within a few years, though, I started wishing my father would trade his denim for khaki and retire his boots for loafers. I stopped sleeping in his clothes and eventually began dreaming of another father.

I blamed the way he dressed for my social failures. When boys bullied me, I thought they'd seen my father wearing his cowboy hat but no shirt while walking our dog. I felt that girls snickered at me because they'd glimpsed him mowing the grass in cut-offs and black boots. The girls' families paid men (and I believed better-dressed ones) to landscape their lawns, while their fathers yachted in the bay wearing lemon-yellow sweaters and expensive sandals.

My father only bought two suits in his life. He preferred clothes that allowed him the freedom to shimmy under cars and squeeze behind broken Maytags, where he felt most content. But the day before my parents' twentieth anniversary, he and I went to Sears, and he tried on suits all afternoon. With each one, he stepped to the mirror, smiled and nodded, then asked about the price and reached for another. He probably tried ten suits before we drove to a discount store and bought one without so much as approaching a fitting room. That night my mother said she'd never seen a more handsome man.

Later, though, he donned the same suit for my eighth-grade awards banquet, and I wished he'd stayed home. After the ceremony (I'd been voted Mr. Citizenship, of all things), he lauded my award and my character while changing into a faded red sweatsuit. He was stepping into the garage to wash a load of laundry when I asked what even at age fourteen struck me as cruel and wrong. "Why," I asked, "don't you dress 'nice,' like my friends' fathers?"

He held me with his sad, shocked eyes, and searched for an answer. Then before he disappeared into the garage and closed the door between us, my father said, "I like my clothes." An hour later my mother stormed into my room, slapped me hard across the face and called me an "ungrateful little twerp," a phrase that echoed in my head until they resumed speaking to me.

In time they forgave me, and as I matured I realized that girls avoided me not because of my father but because of his son. I realized that my mother had slapped me because my father could not, and it soon became clear that what he had really said that night was that there are things more important than clothes. He'd said he couldn't spend a nickel on himself because there were things I wanted. That night, without another word, my father had said, "You're my son, and I sacrifice so your life will be better than mine."

For my high-school graduation, my father arrived in a suit he and my mother had purchased earlier that day. Somehow he seemed taller, more handsome and imposing, and when he passed the other fathers they stepped out of his way. It wasn't the suit, of course, but the man. The doctors and lawyers recognized the confidence in his swagger, the pride in his eyes, and when they approached him, they did so with courtesy and respect. After we returned home, my father replaced the suit in the flimsy Sears garment bag, and I didn't see it again until his funeral.

I don't know what he was wearing when he died, but he was working, so he was in clothes he liked, and that comforts me. My mother thought of burying him in the suit from Sears, but I convinced her otherwise and soon delivered a pair of old jeans, a flannel shirt and his boots to the funeral home.

On the morning of the services, I used his pocketknife to carve another hole in his belt so it wouldn't droop around my waist. Then I took the suit from Sears out of his closet and changed into it. Eventually, I mustered the courage to study myself in his mirror where, with the exception of the suit, I appeared small and insignificant.

Again, as in childhood, the clothes draped over my scrawny frame. My father's scent wafted up and caressed my face, but it failed to console me. I was uncertain: not about my father's stature - I'd stopped being an ungrateful little twerp years before. No, I was uncertain about myself, my own stature. And I stood there for some time, facing myself in my father's mirror, weeping and trying to imagine - as I will for the rest of my life - the day I'll grow into my father's clothes.