Twisted
Jessica Zafra

On one hand, it's touching to see that ideals still count for something in this cynical world, and that soldiers will risk their careers and maybe their lives to denounce corruption and deceit. On the other hand, their methods are unpardonable, their grip on reality is tenuous, and they do not have the guts to finish what they started. In standing up for their principles, they only managed to squish our economy.

Thanks to these drama queens in fatigues, no one will ever take Pinoys seriously again. I'd like to shake their hands and then kick them in the head. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!? Were you even thinking?

Here are some things the aspiring plotter should bear in mind.

1. Just because we took to the streets to overthrow governments twice before doesn't mean we'll automatically do it again, even if you are cute.

2. If your group has actually met with the President and been in the headlines for two weeks, you cannot convince people that you have no other way to air your grievances.

3. A coup d'etat is "the violent overthrow of an existing government by a small group." A press conference is a meeting called for the purpose of making a statement to the media. It is not necessary to occupy a building to get reporters to show up. Sometimes a phone call and drinks will suffice.

4. Do not contradict yourselves by announcing, "This is not a coup," then declaring that you are prepared to die fighting. Press conferences do not usually have a body count.

5. If you cannot string three words together without faltering, you should probably get someone else to be the spokesman.

6. When choosing a reason to overthrow a government, make sure it is significant, compelling and fairly recent. Yes, it' s terrible that the military sells bullets to rebels (as alleged), but in the light of the other stuff we've heard and are ready to believe, it's piddling. Also, Fr. Cirilo Nacorda in Lamitan, Basilan, made those same accusations over a year ago.

7. Rumors of the impending declaration of martial law are not likely to freak out people who not only survived 14 years of it but also hear such rumors on a
weekly basis.

8. Lining up and doing snappy quarter-turns before the cameras reminds people of beauty contests, and should probably be avoided during a military
rebellion.

9. When you take over a hotel or a full-service apartment building, you' re supposed to take hostages, not send them away, especially if these include ambassadors of other countries.

10. Send your parents out of town so you are spared the agony and embarrassment of seeing them on TV, beseeching you to give up.

11. Of course it' s all right for guys to cry in public; we like sensitive males. However, we would prefer that you cry after you've actually done something. Otherwise you just look like a wuss.

12. Don't say "microcosm." Just don't.

13. If you want the citizens to rally to your cause, do not alienate their affections by barring access to the mall.