Thursday, August 12, 2004

Melanie M(alaprop)

Forwarded through email by my boss:

Asked not so long ago what she had to say about "sex and violence" in the movies, a popular actress said, "Piano nga hindi ako marunong tumugtog, violins pa kaya?"

Hmmmmm. Witty? Yes - if she intended that "quotable" to be so.

No, the actress "spokening" wasn't Melanie Marquez who, like that one, is a self-confessed Madame Malaprop. (Note: Malapropism, meaning "a ludicrous misuse of a word," is derived from Mrs. Malaprop, a character in the play The Rivals by Richard B. Sheridan, 1751-1816)

I love my long-legged friend Melanie for, among other reasons (besides her fractured English), her way of unwittingly amusing and regaling us with her, that's it, malapropisms on national television. During the passionate word war between her half-brother Joey Marquez and Kris Aquino, Melanie provided the "comic relief" by mouthing quotables, thus firming up her reputation as the (uncrowned) Quotable Queen.

The good thing about it is that Melanie herself is amused/regaled by those little jewels tumbling out of her mouth, profusely especially when she's angry. She told me that she would have her TV guestings recorded and once she got home, she'd have a fun time watching the tapes and, yes, laughing at herself.

That's the spirit, 'no?

"Bakit," Melanie said during an interview. "'Yung magagaling mag-English diyan, may Miss International title ba sila?"

Oo nga naman. Mayroon ba kayo?

Don't look now but Melanie is seriously thinking of compiling her "Melanisms" into a neat little book like the pocket-size Mao little red book (of quotations, or Maoisms). Nice idea, isn't it? It should be a best-seller (like President Joseph Estrada's Eraptions).

When Melanie told me about it, I suggested that she jazz up the book with cartoons and call it Quote Me. But wait. Don't judge Melanie just yet because, as we all know, she's not a book.

Here and now, my friend Jonathan Chua (who's a STAR contributor) has compiled some Melanisms for inclusion in that much-awaited book, to wit:

. My brother is not a girl; he's a gentleman.

. That's why I'm a success, it's because I don't middle in other people's lives.

. Don't judge my brother; he's not a book.

. I won't stoop down to my level.

. Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?

. 'Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.

. Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo... Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.

. We are lovers, not fighters.

. Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.

. I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival.

. Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat. (During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)

. Sumasakit ang migraine ko.

. Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!

. Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point. (When asked on S-Files if
her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right.)

. At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek's mother (whom she partly blamed for the separation). "Oo nga," said Melanie, "pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya." She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, "And to you, Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!"

A few more:

- When asked for a message to her daughter who was allegedly abused by their houseboy: "Don't worry little angel, big angel is here."

- On what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid: "He should be put behind bar."

- "You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four."

- While waiting backstage during a noontime show, after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number. "Nikki, you're so galing. You should go to the States. You will sell hotcakes."

My top 3 favorite Melanisms are:
1 - Don't judge my brother; he's not a book.
2 - "Don't worry little angel, big angel is here."
3 - "You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four."


  1. Kris, sometimes I felt embarassed for her but I do admire her for standing up and for being a sport. She never took it against people jeering at her. :)


It is always refreshing to know what is in your mind. Thanks!