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Monday, February 7, 2005

Love And Lost

Last week did not end well for me. It was such a depressing situation, which was basically my doing. I have been so dependent that I lost my own personality. I was completely hooked up that I took everything at heart. Yes, I was too sensitive. I always wanted to tell what I really felt but I never find the good chance to do so. Everything happened and I might as well call it as a series of unfortunate events.

Since my schedule was pretty hectic the last time, I thought that it was just be a welcoming change that I do something nice. I was planning a small surprise. A day earlier, I reserved a table at a restaurant to enjoy a small dinner. Unfortunately, somebody had to attend a sports meeting somewhere so I had to cancel. Like a bad luck thrown at my direction, things turned worse. I was accused of being rude to a friend while I was controlling my tumbling emotions inside me. I was disappointed, hungry, tired and jealous that I was actually trying so hard to catch somebody’s attention. When I arrived in Manila a week before this, somebody was bound to scale nature’s glory and I was left out, not feeling well (literally speaking) at all. Yeah, I think that time that I have the reason to feel bad about this. But my intentions did fail and the night ended with my stars shining not so bright. Wanting to end the situation, I apologized and let it passed like nothing happened.

I was too glad that my work got wrapped up last Friday. I was wondering if I could join after meeting a friend. Unfortunately, it seemed like I was not really wanted. Maybe because somebody got suffocated by spending time with me so I did not push it. I really wanted to cry after that phone call. I was badly hoping somebody would call again and asked me if I could come. I was not trying to be an annoying, attention-seeker bitch but all I wanted was to spend time with somebody, quality time as I call it, not at the expense of changing schedules just because somebody would be climbing during the weekends, attend pre-climbs/post-climbs/group meets or working shifts during the weekends. Maybe one would think how heartless I am but I have been dreaming that someday, I may be able to feel that I am number one in all your priorities.

Since I was disregarded, I still tried to have an enjoyable night by my lonesome self. I contacted my close pals but they were too busy with their work and own social life. I went to Glorietta and watched Elektra. Unable to bear the battling sadness and dejection within me, I thought long and hard what to do. I did what I had to do. I did not do what I did just because I was feeling rotten. I thought about the consequences and I thought I was prepared to suffer. But it was so unbearable that I even prayed that the concrete floor of Ayala where I stood would open up and gobble me whole.

Better than crying, I uttered invectives and curses that had never spit out from my mouth before. I would rather be angry than cry buckets of tears. My heart was breaking and I was at a loss to do anything. I decided to take a cab and be bewitched by the lights of Malate. I went to a familiar bar, sat in the darkest corner and drown myself. Foolish I was because I knew from my sane self that even the strongest drink could never take the pain away.

I woke up the next day in my room a little fuzzy and woozy. For a while, I thought it was just a dream, a very bad one; but it was not. I realized then that it was real. The moment the memories start flooding back, my tears did, too.

I sat up, wondered what life would be like without somebody. My stubborn, rational self (that was fighting its way back to my system) did not give me much time to dwell on such thoughts but was still able to make me see a few, hurting possibilities. My mind was racing quick that after this, I would find myself resigning at work, finding a new one that would be able to accommodate my graduate studies or most probably, go abroad and forgot what had happened here. As much as I really felt hurt, I could still claim that I would still be amongst people who belong to the school of positivism.

Snapping out of my mournful reverie, a common friend’s advice came to mind. I thought about it and considered that she might be correct. Why suffer when I can still be happy if I try hard enough? I was not so sure but let myself to accept it. I have to or I will still be bitter about everything.

Somebody will be gone again somewhere and I just said, “go ahead and enjoy.” Like a paper being crumpled, I felt my heart crushed. It was a pain to hear somebody say that after what happened. But because I want to be resolute about what had taken place in the past 2 weeks or so, I decided not to dwell on misgivings and heartaches.

I am hanging on because I still think there is hope for both sakes. I am also open to the truth I am not doing my part and it is not actually fair that somebody is the only one doing something. I learned that I became too much dependent on somebody and it terribly hurts when somebody’s hold on me went loose. This time, I will apply the wisdom of the old folks when dealing with this so-called love. I think it is high time for me to reconnect with my old roots, old circles with humanity.

I do not agree with the usual adage, “love makes the world go round.” Love is not enough to make you happy in this world. One person is not enough to make you complete. One can be complete with her/his own self. But one needs other people, humanity to make one realize the difference between being complete and being alone. One may think that she/he has the love of somebody, but does she/he feels complete and does not feel being alone despite having love?

One must be happy by one’s self before one can say that love makes the world go round. I am not sure if everyone can understand my point but that is how I understood mine.

2 comments:

  1. i find it awkward to comment on entries which are quite 'very personal'. but anyway, here, commentting. nice read. well written coz it's so honest. it's really different when one writes straight from the heart. :)

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  2. skeet, thanks. my spirit is low and i'm still floating somewhere, not knowing where i stand. since writing is a very vital outlet for me, i let it all out.

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It is always refreshing to know what is in your mind. Thanks!