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Saturday, May 31, 2003


Random Thoughts while Walking along Makati Streets

Being “burnt-out” from a day’s work last Thursday, I decided to leave the office earlier. Earlier does not mean the usual, typical five in the afternoon. For me, earlier means seven in the evening. Ever since, I really cannot literally bring myself out of the still bright sky whenever I came from work. I prefer to emerge out of the building when the stars have illuminated the dark sky, when the dim lights lighted up the dark streets. Sliding out of the building’s glass doors, I stood aside in a corner and contemplate which way to go. There was something unusual with the night air. A sense of solemnity hovered with it. I decided to walk off the Paseo de Roxas way towards Makati Avenue en route to Ayala Avenue. I had the option for a much shorter and easier route towards MRT Ayala but probably due to some anxious load bearing in my head, I chose the other way. Whenever I wanted to unload off some heavy thoughts in my head every time I came from work, I trod along Makati Avenue.

I don’t know what it is in that street but walking in a not-so-busy, people-congested Makati Avenue never fails to clear off the cobwebs off my head. Many thoughts have clouded my focus and somehow bothered my very being. To start off, I questioned myself. What is it that I want from life? What do I want? What do I want to be? What are my plans in the future? When is the future for me? Am I already at 25? I will be 25 soon, in a few days. I am an ambitious person and I want to be somebody else someday. Not somebody famous for others to see. It is more of a self-inspired thing. I want to accomplish something for myself. I never dare to satisfy anyone but myself. I wanted to be whole. I have always been a strange, weird human being so for those reading this, do not even try to figure me out. You will only get a burning headache.

I do not know if I am already experiencing the so-called quarterlife crisis. Do you call it the quarterlife thing? At 25, I still crave to accomplish things. Maybe that was why I tried so hard to learn new things and get myself involved in new fields. I actively pursued learning Nihongo, jogging every weekends @ CCP, learning how to play tennis and even working out in a gym. When the year started, I made a promise to myself that I will try to attain new knowledge and abilities. However, it is almost midyear and it struck me that I have not even came to a point of being good at anything. I have not even started photography and refreshing my taekwondo. One thing that hit me in the head was that: I have to prioritize the things that I want to do in this life. Actually, my tendency was to learn a lot of things but not really excelling in it. This time I have to reconsider my actions. Maybe that is why I am already thinking of leaving my job so I can start focusing on the things that will make or break me.

Here are some random thoughts that juggled through my head. Thoughts that I have to categorize which is important and which is not; thoughts that I have to put into action and which are my priorities; thoughts that in the future, with a lot of thinking will define me and my future.

 I want to leave my job for 3 years.
 I want to work in a call center.
 I want to master Nihongo
 I want to take up Law.
 I want to study again; either pursues a master’s degree
in Economics or Public Administration.
 I want to study overseas courtesy of a scholarship either
in Japan or Australia or New Zealand.
 I want to go overseas to work. Before I only wanted to
travel but now, I find that toiling abroad is quite
challenging.
 I want to take photography lessons. I want to pursue it
as a hobby and maybe rise as an amateur.
 I want to refresh my taekwondo lessons so I can defend
myself whenever I find myself still out in the late hours of
the evening. Maybe I can have it exchanged for aikido
and jujitsu.
 I want to be good in playing tennis. I like the rush it
gives me everytime I hit those tennis balls off my court.
 I want to EXCEL in playing billiards so I can boldly
challenge my male buds.
 I want to travel again. See the beauty of the
countryside, the green fields, the smiles of the local
people.
 I want to visit Hacienda Looc in Batangas and renew the
ties I had with the people who helped and took good
care of me during my college practicum. God knows how
I long to see you all again.
 I want to purchase that mobile phone Nokia 3650
without borrowing my mom’s credit card. I want to buy
things that I pay for myself…in full.
 I want to buy a new cell for my youngest brother.
 I want to bring the family in an outing so we can
somehow share a day or two together since we are all
busy.
 I want to write a love letter to my Lola without using any
English words in it. I want to use deep Tagalog words.
Don’t you know I find old Tagalog words so wonderful?
 I want to learn HTML so I can make my own website.
That’s double purpose.
 I want to buy a scanner so I can scan all the best
pictures I have taken using my cheap but ever reliable
camera.
 I want to buy a desired photographer’s camera, not the
digital camera.
 I will buy digital camera only if I already have the other
camera.
 I want to be an effective writer.
 I want to contribute an article on an online magazine or
in a major broadsheet.
 I decided that I want to have my own family, too. That it
will be so sad not to have your own.
 Ideally, I want to have 6 kids – 3 boys and 3 girls. Eldest
should be a boy.
 Since we are experiencing hard times, 2 kids will be
enough. Just make sure, I have a boy as my eldest.
 I will NOT marry for security. I must LOVE a guy to marry
him.
 I will NOT marry a guy just because of love. He has to
bear the following qualities: possesses a great sense of
humor, has brains, knows how to deal with life and must
be stable in every aspect.
 I still prefer having guys as my best buds since they
effectively carry out the role of good friends.
 I want to visit Thailand as originally planned. I still crave
in going on a voyage alone.
 I want to go to Corregidor, Ilocos Norte and Bohol.
 I want to buy a new bag and shoes for my outdoor
activities.
 I want to climb Mt. Ugu this weekend.
 I want to go mountainclimbing again. I want to reach the
summit and see the glorious sun rise in the horizon and
feel the cold breeze kiss my cheeks.
 I want to fulfill basic mountaineering skills, which I forego
when I was in college. Having the physical abilities to
climb mountains is not enough.
 I want to be active again in outreach activities in the
university’s volunteer’s society or in any other private
institution. I miss doing tutorials for the poor students of
a public elementary school. I miss dealing and
internalizing with the streetchildren whom we selected
for a play wherein the proceeds will be spent for their
education. I miss taking care of children who are
terminally ill of cancer in a hospice in the PGH. I miss the
company of already strained and fatigued but cheerful
doctors and nurses of the ER in PGH. I miss all these
things for I miss the kind of rush and happiness it gives
everytime I share my time and abilities with them. I miss
sharing a little part of me to people whom I do not know
and yet they appreciate the little things I do for them.
 I want to see my 2nd ex so I can finally settle everything
once and for all. Not that I am thinking of reuniting with
him again. I strongly believe I will not agree. Not this
time.
 About my 1st ex, we are going out again during
weekends. Watching movies, playing bowling, malling,
strolling at the promenade in Roxas Boulevard and try
out the new restos there, beating each other in games
we both play in Timezone. I am still weighing the pros
and con of being in a relationship again and with him for
that matter.

These are random thoughts that define my already encumbered head. I need to prioritize. I am contemplating of leaving my job in a few month’s time. I have experienced being burnt-out in my new job as a research officer.

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It is always refreshing to know what is in your mind. Thanks!