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Friday, July 25, 2003


REDEFINING FRIENDSHIPS

I suppose it is high time I wrote to sort through my melancholic thoughts. Yes, I am happy for the most part of my life. I am able to go through the things I enjoy doing because I want them: Photography, kung fu, writing, and yes, even work. Somehow, there is a tinge of sadness clouding a part of my soul. I thought I have my life all figured out but I suppose there still is a part that is yet to be fine-tuned.

I feel like the events of the past weeks were out from a badly written screenplay. Maybe after all this, I will come out as an experienced screenwriter. I do not know, just a thought and a little bit of humour to keep my spirit from sagging to the ground. The hurt and the pain I have caused is killing me. I try to be a loyal friend and a grateful daughter yet I feel that I have betrayed so much by not providing the necessary answers; answers to satisfy a hungry heart. Not to sound overly dramatic but dammit, this is affecting every inch of my being. I cannot smile, I cannot eat, I cannot get a good night's rest knowing in the back of my head that people are hurting because of me. And it's all because of this so-called love.

I have first come to love him as a friend. At a later point in my life, I have come to love him more than that. I was happy upon this realization and I am sure he was, too. Promises were exchanged and the belief of fulfilling them was an actuality. I had planned my life around him rather than with him. I spent countless hours with him talking about goals and dreams but never really talked about "us". It hurt but I continued to love. I continued to love even if most of our conversations were about people who made such a huge impact on his life. I searched his eyes but could not find me there. One can only love and bear so much pain.

I just cannot ignore the stabbing pain of knowing I am with someone whose soul I cannot touch, much less get a peek of. There were nights where I would either cry myself to sleep or wake up crying. It tore me but I learned to pick up the pieces. I need to find my smile again.

I pray that after the pain has gone, we would end up in the same point where we have started: As friends. I feel like I cannot give anything more than this.

"The promises we made seem easier then As if we knew our love would never end But seasons change and time erases the tears As swiftly as the ripples disappear."