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Saturday, May 6, 2006

Rotten

Dear Me,

I feel so rotten today. I had this huge, nonsense fight with someone. I thought it was his fault and then I realized how true were the things that he said. I apologized but I knew that it wasn't enough.

I wanted to go home but decided against it. I went back inside the mall and sat by the steps in the activity center.

A lot of things have been running inside my head and I really don't know what to do anymore. I am missing a lot of things in my life right now.

Can you imagine how I spent the hours from the time we separated till now? 30 minutes of standing and thinking along Ayala Avenue, went inside Glorietta and impatiently watched a 2-hour kiddie fashion show. I was torn between staying in a cafe (coffee shop) or going to the bar alone tonight. It had been a while since I sat and sipped in a stool in a bar (I used to do this when I feel like being alone).

The other option that I took was to text everybody I knew to join me. Alas! I guess I don't have any friends anymore. I didn't want to burden them with my own problems so I kept the reason why I was inviting them.

I pity myself. I can't even have someone to unburden my load, even less, to have someone sit with me without saying anything.

Ever since I was a kid, I already felt this empty feeling of being alone. It was like I was (and still is) destined to be alone all my life, with no one to trust and understand me. Now that I am almost nearing the big 3-0, nothing has changed. It's like people in my life pass me by; that I am just some wallpaper they notice along the way.

Oh, I cannot really blame them after all. I am a self-absorbed, selfish bitch. Who will even stop to care?

Since the beginning of the year, I have been trying to condition myself that the people and things in my life will just come and go. They are never meant to stay.

I thought I was past the feeling of staying in my cocoon forever but I felt like it was never meant to be in the first place. I have to go back in that sheltered place so I won't get hurt again and that I can live my life devoid of hurt and the tears.

It sounds so dramatic but it's true.

All I can say at the moment is to hell with myself...maybe I can find solace there.

2 comments:

  1. aw, how sad naman is your day!

    Okey lang yan, cheer up!

    ReplyDelete
  2. sorry if we're not always there for you.. but He is always there, waiting for you to come back to Him.. take care always sis *hugs*

    ReplyDelete




It is always refreshing to know what is in your mind. Thanks!