Rotten

Dear Me,

I feel so rotten today. I had this huge, nonsense fight with someone. I thought it was his fault and then I realized how true were the things that he said. I apologized but I knew that it wasn't enough.

I wanted to go home but decided against it. I went back inside the mall and sat by the steps in the activity center.

A lot of things have been running inside my head and I really don't know what to do anymore. I am missing a lot of things in my life right now.

Can you imagine how I spent the hours from the time we separated till now? 30 minutes of standing and thinking along Ayala Avenue, went inside Glorietta and impatiently watched a 2-hour kiddie fashion show. I was torn between staying in a cafe (coffee shop) or going to the bar alone tonight. It had been a while since I sat and sipped in a stool in a bar (I used to do this when I feel like being alone).

The other option that I took was to text everybody I knew to join me. Alas! I guess I don't have any friends anymore. I didn't want to burden them with my own problems so I kept the reason why I was inviting them.

I pity myself. I can't even have someone to unburden my load, even less, to have someone sit with me without saying anything.

Ever since I was a kid, I already felt this empty feeling of being alone. It was like I was (and still is) destined to be alone all my life, with no one to trust and understand me. Now that I am almost nearing the big 3-0, nothing has changed. It's like people in my life pass me by; that I am just some wallpaper they notice along the way.

Oh, I cannot really blame them after all. I am a self-absorbed, selfish bitch. Who will even stop to care?

Since the beginning of the year, I have been trying to condition myself that the people and things in my life will just come and go. They are never meant to stay.

I thought I was past the feeling of staying in my cocoon forever but I felt like it was never meant to be in the first place. I have to go back in that sheltered place so I won't get hurt again and that I can live my life devoid of hurt and the tears.

It sounds so dramatic but it's true.

All I can say at the moment is to hell with myself...maybe I can find solace there.